Motives for kind deeds

Genuineness, to me, is the living out of what we long for or connect with internally. The genuine person looks within him- or herself and identifies what is intrinsically important to them. They then act accordingly.

When we perform acts of service for reasons other than a genuine desire to help others, is this authentic? Politicians can be used as an example here. I can't know the ultimate motives of others, of course, but I find it interesting that many of our politicians become active in community service during campaign seasons. During the 2008 presidential campaign, with television cameras recording his every move, Barack Obama found time to help folks pile up sandbags in preparation for a flood. From the exposure I've had to information about Obama, I'm confident he does feel good in helping others, but I also find it interesting that this would happen during election season. I question how much this act of "service" was also an attempt to gain votes.

Religious followers often reach deep into their pockets to give financial contributions to their religious institutions. No doubt our country benefits when its people reach out to help one another. But, as a former church-attending, Bible-believing Christian, I can attest to hearing many, MANY sermons from pastors in which they taught their congregations that God operates under a "sew and reap" system. In other words, if believers will give financially to "God's work," God will supposedly "bless" the faithful financial donors with added financial prosperity. What, then, becomes the true motive in making these donations? To selflessly help others or to achieve financial benefits? (And possibly, knowingly or otherwise, to show others how "godly" they are?)

I think a fantastic example of genuine giving is the giving of something (time, effort, money, whatever...) that:
(a) benefits the recipient;
(b) provides no obvious benefit to the giver (other than perhaps the peace of mind that comes with doing a good deed for a fellow human being); and
(c)is done anonymously (when possible).

Being authentic vs being "different"

I find it interesting when I meet someone who strives to be different from everybody else. Or at least different from the majority of others. I believe these individuals often mistake being "different" or "unique" with being true to themselves.

For example, I know somebody who, years ago, was a big fan of a certain band. At the time, this particular band was relatively unknown by the general public. The person I am refering to was so excited about this band. He bought their cd's, he went to their concerts, he wore t-shirts with their logo. A few years later, the band scored a hit song on the radio. A video for the song followed on MTV. The band's new cd sold millions of copies. And then something interesting happened....

...the person I am refering to lost interest in the band. He stopped buying their cd's. He quit attending their concerts. He threw away the t-shirts.

The band didn't change the quality or style of their music. They didn't "sell out." I know because I started listening to the band's music at the same time this person did. He introduced me to their music. I still like the band's music to this day. But he doesn't.

I admire his willingness to be unique, but I'm not sure he's really being true to himself. On the surface he appears to be fighting conformity, yet in his pursuit of uniqueness, he lets others affect his choices in music.

He genuinely found joy in something, then convinced himself otherwise because of other people's opinions. Isn't that conformity?

The big announcement

My wife and I are in my hometown this weekend. We stayed at my parents' last night. At dinner time I chose to reveal to my parents that I am no longer a Christian but an agnostic. I was a little bit nervous before the words began to leave my mouth. Not so much nervous about my dad because he's pretty understanding about things and relatively open-minded. I was a little nervous about how my mom would feel or respond because she tends to hold a more clear definition of what is right and what is wrong and often likes to hold to tradition.

But genuineness is the goal for me. Be myself. Don't appear to be one thing for others while being something else under the surface.

So I said it. It went something like this:

Me: "So I've realized something lately."
Dad: "Oh, yeah. What's that?"
Me: "I'm agnostic."
Dad: "I've heard of that. What does it mean again?"
Me: "Agnostic means, basically, I think we have no way of knowing for sure if there is a god or not. If there is, we have no way of knowing who specifically god is. And I can relate with that a lot. It fits with how I see things now. So, anyway, I'm not a Christian anymore."
My wife (to my mother): "These turnips are really good."
Mom: "Yeah, they're fresh from the garden. I picked them..."

I looked at my dad and said, under my breath, "What the fuck?" He smiled and laughed.

suddenly agnostic

10 years ago I fit the following descriptions: "born-again," "evangelical Christian," and "Conservative." I officially became "born-again" 13 short years ago. Yeah, it feels like recent history. It happened one night as I sat in my bedroom, stoned on pot and drunk on beer. I read some Bible passages, suddenly felt as though God was in the room with me, and then said I'd dedicate my life to "Him." 13 years later, I have removed the label of "Christian" from my identity.

Concrete beliefs in any specific identity of a creator, or even a concrete belief in a creator at all, now seem unreasonable to me. We're too damn biased in our perspectives and thus quick to defend what we think and believe. I don't think we can KNOW if a creator exists. Or if ghosts exist. We can choose to believe based on information we're given, or experiences we have. But I no longer think we can KNOW.

I now think that religion and beliefs in a specific theology or specific creator are tied into the psychology and emotions of humans. I have heard Christians say (and yes, I would once say) that we must believe in heaven after this life because it's depressing and hopeless to think that our earthly death is the end. Last week I heard a pastor make these comments at a funeral. I now have a problem with this reasoning:

Just because a possible outcome makes us feel sad or hopeless does not mean that outcome cannot be a possibility. As I sit and type this entry, it is possible that an intruder will break into my home and kill me and my family. I won't spend much time dwelling on this possibility because the thought of this possibility does not leave me with a very positive feeling. Nonetheless, the possibility exists. Is it possible that an intruder will not break into my home tonight? Yes, that also is possible. And this possibility brings me comfort. I feel safe thinking that an intruder will not break into my home tonight and harm my family. But I think it would be foolish of me to think that I KNOW an intruder will not break into my home tonight on the basis that the thought brings me comfort. In the same way, I do feel a greater sense of hope and optimism in thinking of the possibility that I might experience "heaven" after this life. Especially if heaven is as good as advertised by many Christians. I don't feel as hopeful or optimistic at the thought of simply decomposing in a coffin after I take my last earthly breath. But I am willing to acknowledge that I don't know if an "afterlife" exists. If not, that's okay. It has to be okay if it's the reality. I will not allow this possibility to create hopelessness in me, however. I will use the possibility as motivation to make the most of my experience in this (possibly) one life I have. I have been on several vacations in my life. None of them have lasted forever. During each of these vacations, I have found myself keeping a mental tally of the number of days gone by and the number of days remaining of the vacation. Why? Because I don't want the vacations to end! I don't want to return to work. But nonetheless I always know that the vacation will end. Does this make me hopeless? Does it make my vacation miserable? No. Because, while I'm disappointed the vacation won't last forever, I use my knowledge of the vacation's relatively short duration to try to make the most of the vacation experience. I'll relax on a Mexican beach for a few hours, but I won't sleep away the whole trip because I'd miss out on too many unique experiences!