suddenly agnostic

10 years ago I fit the following descriptions: "born-again," "evangelical Christian," and "Conservative." I officially became "born-again" 13 short years ago. Yeah, it feels like recent history. It happened one night as I sat in my bedroom, stoned on pot and drunk on beer. I read some Bible passages, suddenly felt as though God was in the room with me, and then said I'd dedicate my life to "Him." 13 years later, I have removed the label of "Christian" from my identity.

Concrete beliefs in any specific identity of a creator, or even a concrete belief in a creator at all, now seem unreasonable to me. We're too damn biased in our perspectives and thus quick to defend what we think and believe. I don't think we can KNOW if a creator exists. Or if ghosts exist. We can choose to believe based on information we're given, or experiences we have. But I no longer think we can KNOW.

I now think that religion and beliefs in a specific theology or specific creator are tied into the psychology and emotions of humans. I have heard Christians say (and yes, I would once say) that we must believe in heaven after this life because it's depressing and hopeless to think that our earthly death is the end. Last week I heard a pastor make these comments at a funeral. I now have a problem with this reasoning:

Just because a possible outcome makes us feel sad or hopeless does not mean that outcome cannot be a possibility. As I sit and type this entry, it is possible that an intruder will break into my home and kill me and my family. I won't spend much time dwelling on this possibility because the thought of this possibility does not leave me with a very positive feeling. Nonetheless, the possibility exists. Is it possible that an intruder will not break into my home tonight? Yes, that also is possible. And this possibility brings me comfort. I feel safe thinking that an intruder will not break into my home tonight and harm my family. But I think it would be foolish of me to think that I KNOW an intruder will not break into my home tonight on the basis that the thought brings me comfort. In the same way, I do feel a greater sense of hope and optimism in thinking of the possibility that I might experience "heaven" after this life. Especially if heaven is as good as advertised by many Christians. I don't feel as hopeful or optimistic at the thought of simply decomposing in a coffin after I take my last earthly breath. But I am willing to acknowledge that I don't know if an "afterlife" exists. If not, that's okay. It has to be okay if it's the reality. I will not allow this possibility to create hopelessness in me, however. I will use the possibility as motivation to make the most of my experience in this (possibly) one life I have. I have been on several vacations in my life. None of them have lasted forever. During each of these vacations, I have found myself keeping a mental tally of the number of days gone by and the number of days remaining of the vacation. Why? Because I don't want the vacations to end! I don't want to return to work. But nonetheless I always know that the vacation will end. Does this make me hopeless? Does it make my vacation miserable? No. Because, while I'm disappointed the vacation won't last forever, I use my knowledge of the vacation's relatively short duration to try to make the most of the vacation experience. I'll relax on a Mexican beach for a few hours, but I won't sleep away the whole trip because I'd miss out on too many unique experiences!